Giving Up ? ? ?

After what has transpired over the past 8 months or so.. I am ready to just throw in the towel and say it's over.. I've read alot about how negativity will feed on more negativity.. so people should always be positive in tough situations.. There will always be light at the end of the tunnel.. Or the darkest moment is always before dawn.. I used to keep that in mind to remind myself that there will be light.. things will turn for the better as my life spiral out of control.. I thought passing the CFA level 3 exam would be a good start! It was an achievement that few others have accomplished.. There are only 120k charterholders in the world.. Even though I can't get the designation yet.. Time will pass and I will get it in 13 months.. Those were all positive thoughts going through my mind.. as I truly thought it was a turning point.. I even got a phone call for a job interview.. The job was quite interesting and I will say.. I am very much interested in doing that kind of work for the next 4 or 5 years before I decide if i should get an MBA or not.. Seems positive and all.. but unfortunately.. it doesn't seem like I got the job.. whether my interview performance was that bad.. or they found someone internal.. I do not know yet.. but as of now.. I can only admit to the fact that I did not get the job.. 

It has been a really rough 8-9 months.. Worse than the last time I went thought this.. I guess it comes to my age and how much I am falling behind others in the same age category.. I don't know how to put a positive spin on anything anymore.. As I continue to try and think of positive thoughts.. I can visibly see myself lying to myself to keep being positive.. Don't give up on things yet.. but I don't want to lie to myself anymore.. The situation hasn't gotten better and I don't know what to do anymore.. It's not even a situation of should I go back to HK or not anymore.. It's become a situation where I am just asking myself.. at what point will things turn up.. I always thought to myself.. Obstacles are thrown at you in life to keep you on the move.. improving yourself constantly.. When you pass the obstacles.. new paths will show up to guide you through your life.. new doors will open as old ones close.. Well.. I am probably in no mans land right now.. since old doors have closed and new doors have not been opened.. Maybe its a sign to just give in and let darkness consume me.. 

Well ? ? ?

Went to a job interview today.. and well... it didn't go as well as I planned it would.. questioning wasn't difficult.. but they were really drilling on things.. which caught me quite off guard... Unfortunately.. I am not sure how well I did.. since it's no longer my decision.. I think I did enough to earn the job.. but I did stumble on a few questions.. and some answers were less than perfect... Hopefully my competition ran into problems as well.. So it becomes a relative race... Over the past few weeks.. Alot of friends have helped me in my quest for this position.. It has been refreshing to know that some friends are really helpful in times of need.. I don't know if I'll get this position.. but I'm certainly thankful for these friends that helped me this time.. I guess even if I don't get it.. I kinda won some thing else in life?

The Day Has Come ? ? ?

So in about less than 12 hours.. I will be getting the long-awaited results of the CFA level 3 exam.. Did I do well? I dont know.. We'll see in 10 hours or so I guess.. But I guess i've started to look past the result already as I have been thinking about things the past few weeks.. It doesn't matter what happens with the result.. since it won't do anything to help the job hunting cause!.. Similar to going into the exam.. I am pretty calm as I am about to get the results.. I don't know if it's because I've given up on life.. Or Just realizing it is not that important in the grand scheme of things.. hahaha..

That Humbling Feeling ? ? ?

Over the past few weeks.. I've had this feeling of humble-ness.. Never in the past 5 years have I looked myself in the mirror this many times to try and see myself again.. The once self-confident kid that could make things happen.. the self-belief that I had the intelligence and smarts to do well in life.. Well 5 years later.. I've been completely humbled from this experience.. Reality sure has a way to humble you where it hurts.. I am not mad.. just disappointed.. Throughout life.. Someone higher up will throw obstacles your way to test your mental and physical capabilities.. I guess you can say I passed the last 2 times.. But this time its completely different.. I feel like I've started to lose grip of the situation.. Losing the battle sorta speak.. I haven't played the game correctly.. so I am losing the battle.. I guess since I m still alive and well.. I still got a 2nd chance to turn this game around.. but do I really have the will and strength to try to win this battle anymore?? Some people see things as opportunities and some as obstacles.. Positive VS Negative energy?? Obviously I see obstacles.. does that mean I am negative?? I don't think so.. I've been positive for a long time.. but as time passes.. negativity will creep in.. its just inevitable..

I've seen & read both sides of my story.. Technically I am really blessed to be where I am at in life right now with no significant problems.. To me.. life is very fair.. you gain some and lose some.. Always a balancing act.. To many rich & successful people.. Average people might see them with everything they could ask for.. but on the inside.. they probably have some gains and losses we just do not see.. Same for the poor.. We see them as people with nothing.. but life is fair.. For me.. Health/Friendship/Family are all things I consider to be positive in life.. Of course.. the negative side is Money/Career/Love.. I think that's where the issue lies.. compromise.. to gain you must lose.. What would I choose to lose to gain?? I see friends with everything right now.. Or that's what it seems.. I don't wish ill will on anyone I know.. but life is fair.. When its all said and done.. each person's 天坪 will equal out.. Just a matter of time..