Try As You Might ? ? ?

When my friend said that she believes in reward for the amount of effort you put in.. I thought to myself if that was ever the case in my life.. I will say the amount of effort I put into the CFA exams and the results have been parallel.. The more I study.. The higher the chance I pass.. It has worked for 2 exams already and I hope this 3rd exam will be the same situation.. I know I did enough to pass even though I was in HK for 2 weeks before the exam.. I knew enough of the material to pass.. but I guess we'll see what the result is on Aug. 6.. Which I am quite anxious to find out for some reason.. Probably because I am always at home.. So more time to think of stuff and the more time I freak myself out about the result.. There is only 1 great scenario and 3 bad ones.. 1) Pass exam and secure a job / 2/3/4) Achieve anything other than option 1.. I don't think getting a job and failing the exam is a good scenario.. Passing the exam and not getting a job is definitely not a good scenario.. Ultimate disaster will be failing the exam and not getting a job.. The answer will come in 10 days or so.. I've waited so long already.. What more can I say?

Over the past weeks or so.. I've been constantly looking for jobs in Calgary and elsewhere (most notably HK).. I did notice HK has way more CFA-required positions than Calgary.. Maybe it is a sign that I should consider moving back.. as it is getting to a depressing point of failure when I keep applying to Calgary jobs.. All I see are accounting designation jobs with very few CFA jobs.. I know I made the wrong choice to do finance over accounting.. or take it further.. I shoulda just went into Engineering and forget about it.. The past is the past.. I can't change a thing of it.. I took the hard road in life and I suffer the consequences of it.. whether it be constantly falling behind or just pointless going by each day with no sense of direction or purpose.. Life to me is just blah... Too bad my mom doesn't understand these things.. She keeps thinking about going back to HK and all the bad that will come.. I am not saying I will go back and hit it up.. but given the opportunities there and the lack of opportunities here.. Should I really dwell pointlessly here? Being flexible will get people jobs and not being stuck with 1 narrow mindset.. I understand that.. I am not afraid to test things that I haven't done.. but life isn't just about yourself sometimes.. If I was living in a bubble.. then ya.. I guess maybe I can do whatever I want.. Unfortunately.. you can't just make decisions on how you feel.. Even though I have a long life ahead of me and I should really plan for the future.. There are many things in life that need to be considered when making a decision.. I am back at step 1 and I know it..

First of Many ? ? ?

The first of many conversations I'll be having with family about the potential move to Hong Kong for job hunting purposes.. I am sure the mood was pretty shocking considering my mom was quite silent after I let them know.. Technically I didn't plan on telling them at that dinner.. but I guess it just had to come out as they were still discussing their plans to buy a new property... A new mortgage now will be essentially paid off by myself and my brother.. Unfortunately.. if I leave Calgary for good.. I probably will not have the financial might to help pay off that mortgage and still have $$ left over for Hong Kong expenses.. This leaves my brother with the brunt of the mortgage payments.. which is pretty harsh and unfair on my part.. I've contemplated on this issue for the past week or so.. Maybe I should consider staying in Calgary for another few years.. Pay off this new mortgage.. & then leave.. so my brother will not have to face such a financial burden.. Or I shouldn't even consider.. I should just do what is right and stay! Use my head to think and not my heart!!.. How I use my head to think all the time.. yet in situations like this.. I decide to follow my heart.. where emotional thinking is normally the wrong way of decision making as it is not rational at times.. I know why I am so torn inside.. But I also know rational thinking and decision making normally wins out.. Sigh

Funny thing.. 10 minutes after I wrote the 1st paragraph.. My mind started filling up with the reasoning for this HK endeavor.. Life experience and testing myself with almost no1 in my life in a foreign area.. These conflicting issues are definitely not kind to me.. They are like shadows of each other.. One must follow the other.. I think this is a moment in my life where I will have regret no matter what direction I choose.. Stay to help family will be disobeying my own wishes for life experiences.. Leaving for life experiences will be dishonoring my family and letting them fend for themselves.. Oooo Life.. Why must you be like this!

Self Introspection ? ? ?

Back from a recent trip out east.. I did some interesting thinking between the last post to today.. Over that time.. I couldn't keep my frustration in check on the last day.. & Just called out 1 of the people I was with when we got into a miniscule argument about the term "accident".. I've met alot of people who like to win at everything.. No matter what the argument is.. Thinking if the argument is won.. they don't lose face.. Yet they don't realize.. Not everything needs to be won.. In the grand scheme of things.. there is no need to "win" at everything.. even though you're wrong.. There are alot of different viewpoints and opinions.. Aside from that incident.. I thought of myself and the things that I show as a person in front of others.. Many people tend to think I talk a lot.. But as I've matured.. I've toned down quite a bit.. I don't believe I need to start conversations with anyone.. It should just come naturally.. I don't have to forcefully win arguments with anyone or make people think a certain way.. I just let people be.. & Possibly provide pointers along the way..

As this introspection process takes place.. My friend sent me a quote that reminded her of me.. "The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new".. I read that & thought to myself.. That's not me!! But as I let it soak in.. I can totally see that quote in me.. I haven't changed 1 bit because I've focused on making things rite from the past.. I've not let go of the wrongs I've done.. & tried to right those wrongs by doing things better in the future.. Of course.. I cant do anything about the past anymore.. but I cling onto it.. Hoping I can.. I thought to myself on the trip about the past.. Everything that was the past showed up.. The constant hazing by friends.. the immature jokes.. the lack of respect from others.. the indecision of others making me have to decide.. & then take the fall when the decision goes wrong.. I've spent so much energy and time fighting the old and not focusing on the new.. That's why I've become stagnant over time.. I realize I'm probably hanging out with the wrong group of people.. I don't party.. don't drink.. don't pick up chicks.. yet.. I hang out with some people like that.. Time for change.. It starts with building blocks for the new.. Not trying to take down building blocks of the old..

After going through my friends wedding.. I stared out to the open green-ness behind the podium as the pastor was speaking.. I was listening to what the Pastor had to say.. but at the same time.. thinking of the years I've known the bride.. 19 to be exact.. Both my oldest friends from grade 2 or 3 in elementary have gotten married and ventured into their new life.. I looked at the leaves and natural backdrop and thought to myself.. It's been that long already.. At the same moment.. I had this thought.. Maybe my path was set out to witness both of their weddings.. A sign that I should turn over a new leaf in my life as well.. As old friends flip to another chapter.. 我要創造光輝十年

Further Observations ? ? ?

So I just noticed how BIG a party animal my cousin is.. I didn't expect her to be an angel by any stretch of the imagination.. but I am quite surprised by the amount of stuff she's done in her life-time.. I thought religious people were suppose to be really "good" in life.. Not shocking at all.. but I do wonder how she got there.. I think she hasn't done anything really extreme before though.. which is something to be thankful of.. I do feel like I am caring too much over something that should be minimal in my life.. I shouldn't be worrying about her when I am not right either.. My further observations over the past few days are pretty straight forward.. I continue to see my friends and my differences.. I do think I am clinging onto something that is changed.. The ways we see things are so different yet it is original enough to make me consider why the difference in behavior has created this disparity in our lifestyle.. Drinking your life away and "making" friends along the way.. partying it up like it's nothing.. being "bad-ass".. The saying.. a bad guy always gets the girl.. & nice guys always finish last.. How so true?

I do feel I've lived my life pretty 循規蹈矩.. I've made mishaps in my life.. but not to the point where I've caused anyone real harm physically or mentally.. I had so many opportunities to create a mess.. but chose the high-road to not cause any more unnecessary drama.. I've been there for people that I deem important in life even though i know the relation is definitely not balanced.. I've been fair to people.. never trying to cheat them of money or anything else of value.. Thinking 人善人欺 天不欺.. but what has life really given me.. Being the good guy has not reaped anything for me in this world except embarrassment and stress.. I did consider the 收兵 theory about my friends before.. but I thought as long as I feel like it is worth it.. It is worth it.. Regardless of what others think or say..

I know myself best.. But as I see someone else 收兵.. I look myself in the mirror and think.. Am I in the same situation as the guy being led on? To many people.. a 兵 is a person who still thinks he has a shot.. & is being led on by the girl for goodies or just simply comfort.. I don't even have this issue.. I am not being led on & I am not even considering myself to have a shot.. It is the purest form of friendship to me.. but even at the most purest form.. I do get tired.. what has a giver like me gotten back in return.. Successful people are takers in general.. I have considered the idea to just losing the giving style & be more greedy.. take what's given.. dig for more with no remorse.. Care for only myself & don't give a crap about anything or anyone else.. Don't do something because I think it should be done.. consider doing it only if something is there for return.. This self centered attitude is the exact attitude I hate.. yet I've seen friends work this to their advantage with great success.. Sigh

Good Step Forward ? ? ?

After going on this trip with my friends and being away from home for 2 days with only friends n limited communication with family.. It's definitely not as good and bad as most will make it out to be.. Granted it is only 2 days.. so the test period is still quite smallish.. Over the past 2 days.. I've noticed a few things about others and myself in general.. For 1.. I m not much of a blow water type of person like my friends.. their brash style in communicating definitely makes them much more easy to talk to with others I guess.. Their life experiences are much more filling and interesting than mine for sure.. They diversify their interests so they're never bored.. Always something interesting to do.. 2nd thing I noticed was their ways of life is definitely different than mine.. How they got to this point in their life & acceptance of what life has given them is vastly different from me.. Both did not take the traditional route of school & working white collar jobs.. 1 is in a blue collar job.. another would be in services.. Both would be considered lower grade in terms of careers I guess.. but they both seem content with what they got because of things their job gave them.. $$ or time off or perks from working there.. I would call 1 of them a professional in his field.. where another will soon get there.. At least I am observing the weaknesses I have as a person.. I am not sure how I'll change or improve though.. Mostly.. I am not a brash communicator.. I don't believe in "blowing-water" and then get called out on things that is not true.. But honestly.. most interactions between people are "you lie I lie" type of talks.. I am not a bragger as well.. so it'll be tough to change that sort of lifestyle... I rather let my work show you how smart or good I am.. rather than say it out loud.. actions are stronger than words any day of the week..

I do believe the interests and making my life more eventful is definitely something to look into.. I am not a clubber for sure.. I won't drink myself silly.. I rather not put myself in situations where it'll harm myself in the future.. Most people my age are partying hard and going REAL hard at things they can't do in the future.. Possibly.. Smoking.. Drugs.. Partying hard.. Making new friends every night.. and so forth.. It enhances their life for sure.. but I am definitely not interested in that kind of lifestyle.. Maybe that is why some call me a very 好仔.. Family is my primary reason why leaving Canada on a gamble to HK is such a difficult decision.. I already by-passed the "party hard & drinking" stage of my life.. so I won't try to do anything that will harm myself.. With that said.. the people who take the risk and gamble.. party hard normally do well in life.. Are much happier later in life as they did things early.. The saying.. "I lived my life"..

I've noticed the things these friends tend to talk about are: girls.. gambling.. and things they deem to be "great" in their eyes.. To think that gambling.. I don't have much to says a lot about things I guess.. Like most know.. girls aren't on top of my priority list.. It'll be nice to have.. but not a need at this point.. I haven't even figured out myself.. what makes me capable to caring for others? Gambling.. I m probably the biggest gambler between all of them.. Their world seems so small with gambling away at the casino making hundreds at a time... maybe even thousands.. then bragging about how that is such an accomplishment.. I admit.. to some people.. being able to pull out wads of cash to gamble at the craps/roulette/Blackjack tables look cool.. but maybe I have a little arrogance to myself.. but when I've made 10s of thousands in a day.. the casino gains seem minimal.. I'm not saying I am looking down on them.. but I just cringe every time gambling comes up.. because each time.. I know I've lost and gained much more in a matter of seconds than them playing a whole week at the casino you can say.. Since I worked at an investment firm before.. I've transacted in the millions for trades before.. I've lost and gained millions before.. It's kinda like the "big fish in small pond" theory.. Until I work at a bigger firm where the AUM is in the billions.. I am really a "tiny fish in big pond".. As I work up in the world.. I am sure someone will look at me and think the same thing as I am thinking of others.. "10s of thousands" only? "Millions" ONLY? When they are making millions at a time.. & transacting in the billions.. lol.. the cycle will continue..