Further Observations ? ? ?

So I just noticed how BIG a party animal my cousin is.. I didn't expect her to be an angel by any stretch of the imagination.. but I am quite surprised by the amount of stuff she's done in her life-time.. I thought religious people were suppose to be really "good" in life.. Not shocking at all.. but I do wonder how she got there.. I think she hasn't done anything really extreme before though.. which is something to be thankful of.. I do feel like I am caring too much over something that should be minimal in my life.. I shouldn't be worrying about her when I am not right either.. My further observations over the past few days are pretty straight forward.. I continue to see my friends and my differences.. I do think I am clinging onto something that is changed.. The ways we see things are so different yet it is original enough to make me consider why the difference in behavior has created this disparity in our lifestyle.. Drinking your life away and "making" friends along the way.. partying it up like it's nothing.. being "bad-ass".. The saying.. a bad guy always gets the girl.. & nice guys always finish last.. How so true?

I do feel I've lived my life pretty 循規蹈矩.. I've made mishaps in my life.. but not to the point where I've caused anyone real harm physically or mentally.. I had so many opportunities to create a mess.. but chose the high-road to not cause any more unnecessary drama.. I've been there for people that I deem important in life even though i know the relation is definitely not balanced.. I've been fair to people.. never trying to cheat them of money or anything else of value.. Thinking 人善人欺 天不欺.. but what has life really given me.. Being the good guy has not reaped anything for me in this world except embarrassment and stress.. I did consider the 收兵 theory about my friends before.. but I thought as long as I feel like it is worth it.. It is worth it.. Regardless of what others think or say..

I know myself best.. But as I see someone else 收兵.. I look myself in the mirror and think.. Am I in the same situation as the guy being led on? To many people.. a 兵 is a person who still thinks he has a shot.. & is being led on by the girl for goodies or just simply comfort.. I don't even have this issue.. I am not being led on & I am not even considering myself to have a shot.. It is the purest form of friendship to me.. but even at the most purest form.. I do get tired.. what has a giver like me gotten back in return.. Successful people are takers in general.. I have considered the idea to just losing the giving style & be more greedy.. take what's given.. dig for more with no remorse.. Care for only myself & don't give a crap about anything or anyone else.. Don't do something because I think it should be done.. consider doing it only if something is there for return.. This self centered attitude is the exact attitude I hate.. yet I've seen friends work this to their advantage with great success.. Sigh