Lost Will ? ? ?

I have truly lost the will to continue fighting on.. Almost into the completely giving up mode.. but every time I have that thought.. I never let myself continue forward.. Even though I keep saying I'll eventually give up.. I've never actually done it.. since there is always a hidden voice somewhere that says no.. Itz like a boxer in the ring and taking a beating for 10 rounds straight.. Competitive spirit and drive keeps the boxer going until the very end.. Even though the outcome is going to be a loss anyways.. it is this competitive spirit and drive that keeps them who they are.. Once you lose it.. you lose yourself.. Where am I in that process? I do not see the light at the end of the tunnel.. Results haven't gone the way I thought it would.. So what now? Hold your head held high and keep going?? Isn't that what life is all about?? Life isn't suppose to be a cakewalk.. It should be full of challenges and brick walls to run into.. but at the same time.. shouldn't there be pockets of space where you get a break? I've ran into many brick walls.. fall off.. come back again.. I don't blame anyone of my circumstance except for myself.. but can't I catch a break? I already chose the wrong major in University.. I graduated at the height of the financial crisis.. I graduated with a degree that was prized pre-08.. now its not so great anymore.. I took and finished a self-directed course on something that was considered the pinnacle of the field.. I've gotten "0" return on any of that.. But I still don't blame any of that on anyone else.. it was all on me!

Life is tough.. I know the worst probably isn't over yet.. but what can I do?

Just Wow ? ? ?

People are supposed to keep their head held high even when facing adversity.. When things don't go your way.. you should always look on the bright side of things.. and move on.. I wanted to life experiences that will make me grow as a person.. Things I want to witness and experience to make me appreciate the things I have in life.. I haven't even stepped a foot in Hong Kong.. but I've already experienced these things.. I've gone from having a pretty good job to absolutely nothing.. I wrote an exam that really does me no good.. but makes me think i m intellectually smart.. But I've played the game all wrong.. Even though I won't have to worry about food and shelter.. There are more mental aspects that I've lost.. I lost confidence.. lost pride.. and most of all.. I think I have really been humbled after 9 months of this.. I asked for it.. Without even relocating.. I got what I asked for and much much more.. When will things turn up? I really don't know.. Going to Hong Kong or not is already irrelevant.. I don't have that adventuring mentality anymore.. Over these past 9 months.. I've experienced what I wanted to experience.. There are reasons why so many people don't do things on their emotions.. Think things through.. and fail to take action.. Reasons I didn't foresee.. Is it too late now?? Who knows.. Have I hit rock bottom? Who knows.. The only thing I do know is.. I messed up.. I really messed up..

Giving Up ? ? ?

After what has transpired over the past 8 months or so.. I am ready to just throw in the towel and say it's over.. I've read alot about how negativity will feed on more negativity.. so people should always be positive in tough situations.. There will always be light at the end of the tunnel.. Or the darkest moment is always before dawn.. I used to keep that in mind to remind myself that there will be light.. things will turn for the better as my life spiral out of control.. I thought passing the CFA level 3 exam would be a good start! It was an achievement that few others have accomplished.. There are only 120k charterholders in the world.. Even though I can't get the designation yet.. Time will pass and I will get it in 13 months.. Those were all positive thoughts going through my mind.. as I truly thought it was a turning point.. I even got a phone call for a job interview.. The job was quite interesting and I will say.. I am very much interested in doing that kind of work for the next 4 or 5 years before I decide if i should get an MBA or not.. Seems positive and all.. but unfortunately.. it doesn't seem like I got the job.. whether my interview performance was that bad.. or they found someone internal.. I do not know yet.. but as of now.. I can only admit to the fact that I did not get the job.. 

It has been a really rough 8-9 months.. Worse than the last time I went thought this.. I guess it comes to my age and how much I am falling behind others in the same age category.. I don't know how to put a positive spin on anything anymore.. As I continue to try and think of positive thoughts.. I can visibly see myself lying to myself to keep being positive.. Don't give up on things yet.. but I don't want to lie to myself anymore.. The situation hasn't gotten better and I don't know what to do anymore.. It's not even a situation of should I go back to HK or not anymore.. It's become a situation where I am just asking myself.. at what point will things turn up.. I always thought to myself.. Obstacles are thrown at you in life to keep you on the move.. improving yourself constantly.. When you pass the obstacles.. new paths will show up to guide you through your life.. new doors will open as old ones close.. Well.. I am probably in no mans land right now.. since old doors have closed and new doors have not been opened.. Maybe its a sign to just give in and let darkness consume me.. 

Well ? ? ?

Went to a job interview today.. and well... it didn't go as well as I planned it would.. questioning wasn't difficult.. but they were really drilling on things.. which caught me quite off guard... Unfortunately.. I am not sure how well I did.. since it's no longer my decision.. I think I did enough to earn the job.. but I did stumble on a few questions.. and some answers were less than perfect... Hopefully my competition ran into problems as well.. So it becomes a relative race... Over the past few weeks.. Alot of friends have helped me in my quest for this position.. It has been refreshing to know that some friends are really helpful in times of need.. I don't know if I'll get this position.. but I'm certainly thankful for these friends that helped me this time.. I guess even if I don't get it.. I kinda won some thing else in life?

The Day Has Come ? ? ?

So in about less than 12 hours.. I will be getting the long-awaited results of the CFA level 3 exam.. Did I do well? I dont know.. We'll see in 10 hours or so I guess.. But I guess i've started to look past the result already as I have been thinking about things the past few weeks.. It doesn't matter what happens with the result.. since it won't do anything to help the job hunting cause!.. Similar to going into the exam.. I am pretty calm as I am about to get the results.. I don't know if it's because I've given up on life.. Or Just realizing it is not that important in the grand scheme of things.. hahaha..

That Humbling Feeling ? ? ?

Over the past few weeks.. I've had this feeling of humble-ness.. Never in the past 5 years have I looked myself in the mirror this many times to try and see myself again.. The once self-confident kid that could make things happen.. the self-belief that I had the intelligence and smarts to do well in life.. Well 5 years later.. I've been completely humbled from this experience.. Reality sure has a way to humble you where it hurts.. I am not mad.. just disappointed.. Throughout life.. Someone higher up will throw obstacles your way to test your mental and physical capabilities.. I guess you can say I passed the last 2 times.. But this time its completely different.. I feel like I've started to lose grip of the situation.. Losing the battle sorta speak.. I haven't played the game correctly.. so I am losing the battle.. I guess since I m still alive and well.. I still got a 2nd chance to turn this game around.. but do I really have the will and strength to try to win this battle anymore?? Some people see things as opportunities and some as obstacles.. Positive VS Negative energy?? Obviously I see obstacles.. does that mean I am negative?? I don't think so.. I've been positive for a long time.. but as time passes.. negativity will creep in.. its just inevitable..

I've seen & read both sides of my story.. Technically I am really blessed to be where I am at in life right now with no significant problems.. To me.. life is very fair.. you gain some and lose some.. Always a balancing act.. To many rich & successful people.. Average people might see them with everything they could ask for.. but on the inside.. they probably have some gains and losses we just do not see.. Same for the poor.. We see them as people with nothing.. but life is fair.. For me.. Health/Friendship/Family are all things I consider to be positive in life.. Of course.. the negative side is Money/Career/Love.. I think that's where the issue lies.. compromise.. to gain you must lose.. What would I choose to lose to gain?? I see friends with everything right now.. Or that's what it seems.. I don't wish ill will on anyone I know.. but life is fair.. When its all said and done.. each person's 天坪 will equal out.. Just a matter of time..

Try As You Might ? ? ?

When my friend said that she believes in reward for the amount of effort you put in.. I thought to myself if that was ever the case in my life.. I will say the amount of effort I put into the CFA exams and the results have been parallel.. The more I study.. The higher the chance I pass.. It has worked for 2 exams already and I hope this 3rd exam will be the same situation.. I know I did enough to pass even though I was in HK for 2 weeks before the exam.. I knew enough of the material to pass.. but I guess we'll see what the result is on Aug. 6.. Which I am quite anxious to find out for some reason.. Probably because I am always at home.. So more time to think of stuff and the more time I freak myself out about the result.. There is only 1 great scenario and 3 bad ones.. 1) Pass exam and secure a job / 2/3/4) Achieve anything other than option 1.. I don't think getting a job and failing the exam is a good scenario.. Passing the exam and not getting a job is definitely not a good scenario.. Ultimate disaster will be failing the exam and not getting a job.. The answer will come in 10 days or so.. I've waited so long already.. What more can I say?

Over the past weeks or so.. I've been constantly looking for jobs in Calgary and elsewhere (most notably HK).. I did notice HK has way more CFA-required positions than Calgary.. Maybe it is a sign that I should consider moving back.. as it is getting to a depressing point of failure when I keep applying to Calgary jobs.. All I see are accounting designation jobs with very few CFA jobs.. I know I made the wrong choice to do finance over accounting.. or take it further.. I shoulda just went into Engineering and forget about it.. The past is the past.. I can't change a thing of it.. I took the hard road in life and I suffer the consequences of it.. whether it be constantly falling behind or just pointless going by each day with no sense of direction or purpose.. Life to me is just blah... Too bad my mom doesn't understand these things.. She keeps thinking about going back to HK and all the bad that will come.. I am not saying I will go back and hit it up.. but given the opportunities there and the lack of opportunities here.. Should I really dwell pointlessly here? Being flexible will get people jobs and not being stuck with 1 narrow mindset.. I understand that.. I am not afraid to test things that I haven't done.. but life isn't just about yourself sometimes.. If I was living in a bubble.. then ya.. I guess maybe I can do whatever I want.. Unfortunately.. you can't just make decisions on how you feel.. Even though I have a long life ahead of me and I should really plan for the future.. There are many things in life that need to be considered when making a decision.. I am back at step 1 and I know it..

First of Many ? ? ?

The first of many conversations I'll be having with family about the potential move to Hong Kong for job hunting purposes.. I am sure the mood was pretty shocking considering my mom was quite silent after I let them know.. Technically I didn't plan on telling them at that dinner.. but I guess it just had to come out as they were still discussing their plans to buy a new property... A new mortgage now will be essentially paid off by myself and my brother.. Unfortunately.. if I leave Calgary for good.. I probably will not have the financial might to help pay off that mortgage and still have $$ left over for Hong Kong expenses.. This leaves my brother with the brunt of the mortgage payments.. which is pretty harsh and unfair on my part.. I've contemplated on this issue for the past week or so.. Maybe I should consider staying in Calgary for another few years.. Pay off this new mortgage.. & then leave.. so my brother will not have to face such a financial burden.. Or I shouldn't even consider.. I should just do what is right and stay! Use my head to think and not my heart!!.. How I use my head to think all the time.. yet in situations like this.. I decide to follow my heart.. where emotional thinking is normally the wrong way of decision making as it is not rational at times.. I know why I am so torn inside.. But I also know rational thinking and decision making normally wins out.. Sigh

Funny thing.. 10 minutes after I wrote the 1st paragraph.. My mind started filling up with the reasoning for this HK endeavor.. Life experience and testing myself with almost no1 in my life in a foreign area.. These conflicting issues are definitely not kind to me.. They are like shadows of each other.. One must follow the other.. I think this is a moment in my life where I will have regret no matter what direction I choose.. Stay to help family will be disobeying my own wishes for life experiences.. Leaving for life experiences will be dishonoring my family and letting them fend for themselves.. Oooo Life.. Why must you be like this!

Self Introspection ? ? ?

Back from a recent trip out east.. I did some interesting thinking between the last post to today.. Over that time.. I couldn't keep my frustration in check on the last day.. & Just called out 1 of the people I was with when we got into a miniscule argument about the term "accident".. I've met alot of people who like to win at everything.. No matter what the argument is.. Thinking if the argument is won.. they don't lose face.. Yet they don't realize.. Not everything needs to be won.. In the grand scheme of things.. there is no need to "win" at everything.. even though you're wrong.. There are alot of different viewpoints and opinions.. Aside from that incident.. I thought of myself and the things that I show as a person in front of others.. Many people tend to think I talk a lot.. But as I've matured.. I've toned down quite a bit.. I don't believe I need to start conversations with anyone.. It should just come naturally.. I don't have to forcefully win arguments with anyone or make people think a certain way.. I just let people be.. & Possibly provide pointers along the way..

As this introspection process takes place.. My friend sent me a quote that reminded her of me.. "The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new".. I read that & thought to myself.. That's not me!! But as I let it soak in.. I can totally see that quote in me.. I haven't changed 1 bit because I've focused on making things rite from the past.. I've not let go of the wrongs I've done.. & tried to right those wrongs by doing things better in the future.. Of course.. I cant do anything about the past anymore.. but I cling onto it.. Hoping I can.. I thought to myself on the trip about the past.. Everything that was the past showed up.. The constant hazing by friends.. the immature jokes.. the lack of respect from others.. the indecision of others making me have to decide.. & then take the fall when the decision goes wrong.. I've spent so much energy and time fighting the old and not focusing on the new.. That's why I've become stagnant over time.. I realize I'm probably hanging out with the wrong group of people.. I don't party.. don't drink.. don't pick up chicks.. yet.. I hang out with some people like that.. Time for change.. It starts with building blocks for the new.. Not trying to take down building blocks of the old..

After going through my friends wedding.. I stared out to the open green-ness behind the podium as the pastor was speaking.. I was listening to what the Pastor had to say.. but at the same time.. thinking of the years I've known the bride.. 19 to be exact.. Both my oldest friends from grade 2 or 3 in elementary have gotten married and ventured into their new life.. I looked at the leaves and natural backdrop and thought to myself.. It's been that long already.. At the same moment.. I had this thought.. Maybe my path was set out to witness both of their weddings.. A sign that I should turn over a new leaf in my life as well.. As old friends flip to another chapter.. 我要創造光輝十年

Further Observations ? ? ?

So I just noticed how BIG a party animal my cousin is.. I didn't expect her to be an angel by any stretch of the imagination.. but I am quite surprised by the amount of stuff she's done in her life-time.. I thought religious people were suppose to be really "good" in life.. Not shocking at all.. but I do wonder how she got there.. I think she hasn't done anything really extreme before though.. which is something to be thankful of.. I do feel like I am caring too much over something that should be minimal in my life.. I shouldn't be worrying about her when I am not right either.. My further observations over the past few days are pretty straight forward.. I continue to see my friends and my differences.. I do think I am clinging onto something that is changed.. The ways we see things are so different yet it is original enough to make me consider why the difference in behavior has created this disparity in our lifestyle.. Drinking your life away and "making" friends along the way.. partying it up like it's nothing.. being "bad-ass".. The saying.. a bad guy always gets the girl.. & nice guys always finish last.. How so true?

I do feel I've lived my life pretty 循規蹈矩.. I've made mishaps in my life.. but not to the point where I've caused anyone real harm physically or mentally.. I had so many opportunities to create a mess.. but chose the high-road to not cause any more unnecessary drama.. I've been there for people that I deem important in life even though i know the relation is definitely not balanced.. I've been fair to people.. never trying to cheat them of money or anything else of value.. Thinking 人善人欺 天不欺.. but what has life really given me.. Being the good guy has not reaped anything for me in this world except embarrassment and stress.. I did consider the 收兵 theory about my friends before.. but I thought as long as I feel like it is worth it.. It is worth it.. Regardless of what others think or say..

I know myself best.. But as I see someone else 收兵.. I look myself in the mirror and think.. Am I in the same situation as the guy being led on? To many people.. a 兵 is a person who still thinks he has a shot.. & is being led on by the girl for goodies or just simply comfort.. I don't even have this issue.. I am not being led on & I am not even considering myself to have a shot.. It is the purest form of friendship to me.. but even at the most purest form.. I do get tired.. what has a giver like me gotten back in return.. Successful people are takers in general.. I have considered the idea to just losing the giving style & be more greedy.. take what's given.. dig for more with no remorse.. Care for only myself & don't give a crap about anything or anyone else.. Don't do something because I think it should be done.. consider doing it only if something is there for return.. This self centered attitude is the exact attitude I hate.. yet I've seen friends work this to their advantage with great success.. Sigh

Good Step Forward ? ? ?

After going on this trip with my friends and being away from home for 2 days with only friends n limited communication with family.. It's definitely not as good and bad as most will make it out to be.. Granted it is only 2 days.. so the test period is still quite smallish.. Over the past 2 days.. I've noticed a few things about others and myself in general.. For 1.. I m not much of a blow water type of person like my friends.. their brash style in communicating definitely makes them much more easy to talk to with others I guess.. Their life experiences are much more filling and interesting than mine for sure.. They diversify their interests so they're never bored.. Always something interesting to do.. 2nd thing I noticed was their ways of life is definitely different than mine.. How they got to this point in their life & acceptance of what life has given them is vastly different from me.. Both did not take the traditional route of school & working white collar jobs.. 1 is in a blue collar job.. another would be in services.. Both would be considered lower grade in terms of careers I guess.. but they both seem content with what they got because of things their job gave them.. $$ or time off or perks from working there.. I would call 1 of them a professional in his field.. where another will soon get there.. At least I am observing the weaknesses I have as a person.. I am not sure how I'll change or improve though.. Mostly.. I am not a brash communicator.. I don't believe in "blowing-water" and then get called out on things that is not true.. But honestly.. most interactions between people are "you lie I lie" type of talks.. I am not a bragger as well.. so it'll be tough to change that sort of lifestyle... I rather let my work show you how smart or good I am.. rather than say it out loud.. actions are stronger than words any day of the week..

I do believe the interests and making my life more eventful is definitely something to look into.. I am not a clubber for sure.. I won't drink myself silly.. I rather not put myself in situations where it'll harm myself in the future.. Most people my age are partying hard and going REAL hard at things they can't do in the future.. Possibly.. Smoking.. Drugs.. Partying hard.. Making new friends every night.. and so forth.. It enhances their life for sure.. but I am definitely not interested in that kind of lifestyle.. Maybe that is why some call me a very 好仔.. Family is my primary reason why leaving Canada on a gamble to HK is such a difficult decision.. I already by-passed the "party hard & drinking" stage of my life.. so I won't try to do anything that will harm myself.. With that said.. the people who take the risk and gamble.. party hard normally do well in life.. Are much happier later in life as they did things early.. The saying.. "I lived my life"..

I've noticed the things these friends tend to talk about are: girls.. gambling.. and things they deem to be "great" in their eyes.. To think that gambling.. I don't have much to says a lot about things I guess.. Like most know.. girls aren't on top of my priority list.. It'll be nice to have.. but not a need at this point.. I haven't even figured out myself.. what makes me capable to caring for others? Gambling.. I m probably the biggest gambler between all of them.. Their world seems so small with gambling away at the casino making hundreds at a time... maybe even thousands.. then bragging about how that is such an accomplishment.. I admit.. to some people.. being able to pull out wads of cash to gamble at the craps/roulette/Blackjack tables look cool.. but maybe I have a little arrogance to myself.. but when I've made 10s of thousands in a day.. the casino gains seem minimal.. I'm not saying I am looking down on them.. but I just cringe every time gambling comes up.. because each time.. I know I've lost and gained much more in a matter of seconds than them playing a whole week at the casino you can say.. Since I worked at an investment firm before.. I've transacted in the millions for trades before.. I've lost and gained millions before.. It's kinda like the "big fish in small pond" theory.. Until I work at a bigger firm where the AUM is in the billions.. I am really a "tiny fish in big pond".. As I work up in the world.. I am sure someone will look at me and think the same thing as I am thinking of others.. "10s of thousands" only? "Millions" ONLY? When they are making millions at a time.. & transacting in the billions.. lol.. the cycle will continue..

Weird ? ? ?

Something weird happened today.. Some people call it deja vu.. Others call it Premonition.. Whatever you call it.. I just went through it again.. 1st time was a soccer game & I knew the score before the game even started & the exact time the goal will be scored.. 2nd time was a stock I followed.. I saw the future price and did not act on it thinking it was just a dream.. 3rd time was my old work place where I've never been there before.. but I had this vivid image of the ceiling.. Of course.. I got the job later and looked at the ceiling to realize it was the same thing as my dream.. This time.. I went online to search for "time capsules online" to see if there is a program or website that can mimic a time capsule and send off a message to people 10 years later.. This is exactly what I did in the dream.. Not sure why that is.. but just sounds weird.. As I went through searching for this time capsule online.. I started thinking what kind of message it would turn out to be..

I never had this feeling before.. but I get the sense that I am going through a very thorough analysis of my life.. the past few years.. and the decision that will most likely shape my future.. I am nit-picking the wrongs that have happened.. the wrong decisions in retrospect.. the thought of looking myself in the mirror and thinking what went wrong.. The pressure of making the "right" choice at this moment is quite possibly a little too overwhelming to handle.. I am slowly succumbing to this pressure and doing things I normally will not do.. Ask others for advice while revealing my weakness.. After University graduation.. I definitely did not see myself being in this position after 5 years.. It has been a rough 5 years to say the least... Totally feel like I m letting my potential slip away and wasting it due to many bad decisions 1 after the other.. A friend I've known for almost an eternity said she knew all along I would have this problem eventually due to my indecisiveness.. Another friend said to get out of my comfort zone and do things I never did before.. The weird part of their observation is.. I am not actually what they see.. I am not as indecisive as most make me out to be.. I just have to 顧慮 more than they think.. & I know my indecision so far stems from past failures.. 一子錯滿盤皆落索.. Right or Wrong.. I don't know if my decision will be correct.. the unknown is what pains me to make a choice of this magnitude.. Looking back.. I have made many wrong moves yet I haven't "lost" the game.. so I guess I am still in the game.. Just a tougher road to take.. Need to make smart and correct choices now to turn the game around.. But that brings us back to which one is correct?.. A lot of successful business people and entrepreneurs actually made many mistakes before their fame.. It is this that separates them from the worker bees.. Ability to consistently make mistakes and move on.. I haven't gotten to the stage.. I am too much of a realist to no for every Steve Jobs.. there r thousands if not millions that failed before and after him.. If entrepreneurship is that easy.. there won't be any worker bees out there.. All along.. I have said I'm too comfortable in Calgary.. Doesn't feel like home and I need some life experiences (getting out of your comfort zone).. The choice should be clear.. I know my decision is clear as well.. What is unclear is the future path and if this is the "right" path.. Obviously I m trying to answer an unanswerable question.. Leading to this loop of thought..

Happy 26 ? ? ?

Sooo today is like any ordinary day.. Except I am now 1 year older than I was the same time last year... Time has really flown by over the past few years... I feel like I wasted so much time on so many pointless things... Quarter of a century of my life gone.. n yet I'm still at step 1 of many things.. I've done a lot of reflecting over the past few weeks.. Mostly because I couldn't sleep.. soo I start thinking about the things that went wrong or should have been better... The whole time it was about what coulda been or why things happened.. but at the end of the day.. the most central figure of everything is that the mistakes and every decision made have been my fault.. "I" was the one who put myself in this situation.. I was the one who made those mistakes.. If there is 1 thing i learned over the past few months.. it must be that this world does not have something called "luck or fluke" when physical & mental power is able to increase your chances of success.. luck only applies to things that cannot be influenced by something.. Let's see how my 26th year of life fares.. Hopefully things turn around.. Though I will say that things don't always go up or always go down.. There is always a pause..